Come and rock me Doctor Zaius!

So I was pretty pumped to see this movie and I feel like my expectations were matched pretty evenly. As a fan of the originals and the reboot from 2011 (not the Tim Burton one), I was hoping for a film that held my interest, not confused or angered me.

I'm looking at you, Tim Burton.

Nothing can top the original from the 60's, but as long as an 'Apes' film stays in the same vein as its origin, it has the potential to do well. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (released in 2011) achieved this by introducing how the apes became sentient. This was a good starting point, especially because it didn't focus on evolution, but instead adopted a more scientific approach. It also focused on the apes and not the humans, unlike other movies.

I'm looking at you, GODZILLA.

I liked this new movie for those very reasons, with only a few nuanced reasons I didn't like. Read on for my review, and get your stinking paws off me!

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes takes place ten years after 'Rise' from 2011. Apes have built a thriving community in the woods of Muir forest in the San Fransisco area, and it's obvious they are better off that way. This film takes the idea of apes becoming sentient and exacerbates it, or speeds it up, showing how things have changed since the first ape became self aware by coming in contact with the monolith.

Wait...no...that's a different movie.

What I like about this is that while they are still very primitive, they do have a kind of intelligent culture developing. It's not like what is shown in the 60's film, but you can see how things are heading in that direction.

For example, they use a mixture of sign language and grunts as you'd expect, but also some actual words to communicate, which makes sense because of how their leader, Caesar, was brought up by the humans. Their language shows how intelligent they have become, but having the apes talk isn't used as a gimmick or trick like in other versions.

Still looking at you, Tim.

Tensions rise after a human runs into a couple of apes, gets scared, and shoots one dead. This leads Caesar to let the humans know just how things will proceed by telling them to stay away from their territory. The only problem is that mankind isn't as self sustaining as the apes.

Unlike the apes, the humans need power, as their fuels are running dangerously low. Their only hope is a dam that lays within the apes territory. The whole situation is a powder keg, and as you can guess, things don't go well - for either party.

I won't say much more about the story than that, but I DO want to comment on the characters and their place in the story.

All good stories have similar characters. Think about it this way: Batman and Joker are essentially the same character, only with different motivations and goals. And it doesn't have to be heroes/villains either, like in the case of Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. They are the exact same character story wise, just with different backgrounds, but with the same kind of "hero journey."

Caesar and the main human character, Malcolm, have the same goals in the movie. They both want to keep the peace between apes and humans, all while keeping their family and people safe. They both are leaders, but find it increasingly difficult to maintain control or influence. It's this familiarity that makes the two unlikely friends.

But JUST friends. There's no ape/human kissing like in the 60's movie.

Ugh.

There are a few really scary moments, and I don't mean scary as in like "BOO!" or jump moments. Just look at this picture and you'll see:

I mean, is that not unsettling? An ape with a gun, like, is really strange. I realize in the original the apes had guns, but I think because it was just a dude in a suit it wasn't scary, for me at least. Maybe it was back in the 60's. But that image is enough to add an element of fright to this movie that is both good and bad. Bad in the sense that my wife refuses to watch it with me, but good because thank the lord I get a moment to myself, y'know?

Basically, the movie is well done, and is left open for another sequel that I'm sure will blow the peals off bananas. Which, oddly enough is my only complaint, the lack of more banana jokes. Or bananas IN the movie for that matter. Oh well.

All-in-all, I give this movie five Charlton Heston's screaming on a beach out of five.

I hope you enjoyed this "review" and continue to visit this blog. It's just a hobby, but it's nice to have visitors. So feel free to comment or whatever here or on Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr.

That's it for now. I'll go back to playing Ingress. What? You've never heard of Ingress? Hm. Well....

www.Ingress.com

Thanks again. Here's a glimpse at my next post:

Just kidding, that's a dang, dirty ape.

Rebels And Starry Wars And Stuff

So this post will be about Star Wars Rebels, the new show for kids (kinda) on Disney. This will be a review more for people who want to know what it's about, not necessarily those who care to watch it, and those who have a mild interest. But, if you have NO interest in Star Wars Rebels, just stare at this picture until you do:

Star Wars Rebels aired on Disney XD recently, and, if you're like me, initially you feel all "Yay! More Star Wars! And it's made by the same people who did The Clone Wars, so it will be a great for sure! And everyone's favorite actor Freddie Prinze Jr. is doing a voice for one of the main characters!" But then you say all that out loud and, for SOME obscure reason you can't pinpoint, it sounds strange. 

But we've been told it'll be a "really cool show that will explain the birth of the rebellion," and be an "action-packed adventure with memorable characters," and "watch it cause we have this shiny new toy but don't know how to use it and we are grasping at straws and we really need you to like Star Wars right now!" 

Uh-huh. Yeah I'm not buying it either. Let's walk together through the episode(s) that aired and see what works with them, and what's broken. 

So it starts with Ezra SomethingForgettable, an Aladdin-type character (probably orphaned, more than likely friends with only primates) brooding about living in a town where the Empire is oppressively...um...oppressive. He does the Robin Hood thing and helps out a fellow citizen while making the Imperials look like buffoons (y'know, like REAL kids do). But his life changes when he runs into a roguish green wearer who is obviously a Jedi. 

Turns out that Jedi is named Kanan (voiced by Freddie Prinze Jr., I KNOW RIGHT) and is the leader of a small band of thieves who are Striking Back at the Empire (see what I did there?) by stealing provisions and giving them to the oppressively oppressed. Ezra WhoCares joins the crew, only to get captured by the dreaded Agent Callus (I swear that's his name).

While rescuing Ezra DoofusFace, the band learns that a group of Wookies has been sent to the famed spice mines of Kessel to be slaves for the Empire. Dun dun dun! So they all go to Kessel and rescue the walking carpets. Easy peasy. 

That's pretty much it. There's some interesting tidbits that are kinda thrown into the plot here and there. Like how Kanan reveals he's a Jedi to Agent Callus, making the him contact a Sith "Inquisitor" (which doesn't make sense because there's only supposed to be two Sith at any given time and Vader is, y'know, out there), and it's revealed that Ezra DeadBehindTheEyes is force-sensitive, leading Kanan to offer to train him. 

The characters are all well designed, but their personalities make them beige into stereotypes, like they needed characters for certain parts, but nothing more. Like there are Han Solo types, Luke Skywalker types, and so on. But they lack originality due to their being like other, more well known characters.

First we have Kanan, a Jedi (voiced by Freddie) who was advertised as a "cowboy Jedi," which I don't understand and hate. There's a Twi'lek pilot named Hera who has a...a THING...with Kanan, and they both fall into the Han Solo roles. There's a big and burly cockney alien named Zeb who is something akin to the original Ralph McQuarrie concept art for Chewbacca, only not cool and more in the vein of Jar Jar. And finally there's Sabine, a Mandalorian girl who is an artist/explosives expert and obviously the love interest for Ezra PleaseDie. Because when you think of the birth of the Rebellion against the Empire, you should think of 14 year olds figuring out where they stand with each other in love...and war. 

Star Wars, everybody.

I feel like this show is basically an advertisement for toys. All the characters look like plastic toys with "32 points of articulation!" like they say in toy magazines. As if Disney didn't already make enough money from all their merch. Honestly, tell me this doesn't look like its being marketed to children ages 10 and up:

I rest my case. It's like they made the toys first, played with them for a bit, then wrote a story based on their adventures on the carpet. 

With The Clone Wars, each character was reminiscent of the original cast from the movies, but had their own originality that endeared the audience to them. That's why characters like Ahsoka Tano was so hugely popular, among other reasons. But the show felt like it was telling a story, not trying to be flashy and brightly colored in your face. 

This show makes me miss The Clone Wars even more than I did, too. In Clone Wars, the heroes were fighting robots, so slicing them down or shooting their heads off wasn't really all that violent. But with Rebels, the heroes are shooting stormtroopers, who are humans. Pretty much just murdering people is what these new characters do, even the young ones too.

I'm sure the show will mature and find it's place as it goes, but you'd think the creators would figure out what it's gonna be early so there's no confusion or questions like, "Is this supposed to be Star Wars or Pokémon?" 

All in all I'd give this first episode three idiot Ezra JumpFromSomethingHigh's out of five. 

Thank you for reading, and sorry about how long it took to get another post out. Not that I think people are THAT interested in my blog, but I hope you enjoy my posts and want to keep you interested if you do. 

To anyone getting the email version of the blog, know that I'll be discontinuing that feature soon. It's redundant and id rather you just come to the actual website to view the posts. 

Once again, thank you, and as they say, "Live long, and may the Force be prosperous with you!"

Here's a clue to my next post:

I'm Working On It

Any day now. Promise.

It's Pumpkin Season Guys...

Pumpkin pie is arguably the best pie you could ever hope to ingest. With so many different ways to enjoy it, pumpkins are almost as versatile as potatoes, which are also amazing, but let's stay on track. So please join me in a fiercely debated topic: year-round pumpkin pie.

Just like how everyone wants to be Batman (yes you do), everyone loves pumpkin pie. It's a delicious treat that starts becoming available in the fall, and makes for a great latté at your favorite coffee shop. You can have it with whipped cream, or a scoop of ice cream, or even plain for all you simpletons out there. Weirdos.

But none of this matters really. Why? Because you can only get pumpkin flavoured things in the fall. Sure, thats when the season for pumpkins starts and they are growing and junk. But, with all the genetically modified foods out there, you'd think someone would've made a pumpkin that grows all-year round.

It's depressing, but this isn't a food blog, so sooooo.......

Star Wars Episode VII began filming this year and it set the world on fire with anticipation. That fire has spread uncontrollably since pictures and artwork have been "leaked" from the set. Most of you have seen them, but I'd like to highlight some of the most exciting ones I've seen.

Set to be released late 2015, Star Wars Episode VII will hopefully look something like this:

This is obviously not official (because Carrie Fisher is NOT that thin), but it is a glimpse of what it will look like. Now don't get your hopes up, because like I said in a previous post, there will be no Lando in Episode VII, so just ignore Billy Dee there in the middle. This next one is done with photoshop, but it's no less exciting:

This one features most of the main actors that have been announced to be in the movie(s). Again, it's photoshopped and not official, but does it not excite your midichlorians a little? Now on to some official stuff.

So this is a "leaked" picture of the new Stormtrooper helmet, and an artist rendition of what they'll look like onscreen. It's reminiscent of the old ones, but way cool and whatever. My question is this: if the Empire was destroyed in Return of the Jedi, why are there still Stormtroopers?

These pics were leaked recently. It's of the Millennium Falcon and two new versions of the X-Wing fighter or the Z-95 Headhunter, I'm not sure. Who knows. It's so cool to see the Falcon and something that resembles a spaceship that I don't even care. This is awesome.

This is all fine and good and Star Wars is cool, but what I really want to know is what the story will be about. What will happen? What has happened to my favorite characters? I'm interested in these things because I think all Star Wars fans are worried, and I'll tell you why....in song.

When the original trilogy (or the OT) was released in the 70's and 80's, no one had a problem with the story. It was solid and entertaining and an adventure to watch and grow up with. And when the prequel trilogy (or the PT) was announced everyone got excited. There would be more Star Wars in the world! Yay us!

But man, were we all wrong. The story was convoluted, the acting was bad, and the only really good thing to come out of it was Ewan McGregor and his portrayal of a younger Obi-Wan Kenobi. God bless him for that.

And Mace Windu. He was baaaaad.

"Say 'what' again, I double dare you!"

George Lucas single handedly created the sci-fi film layout with the OT. But with the PT he single handedly destroyed his own creation and forever blurred the lines that separated his fans from everything else. After Episode I, people who had been hardcore Star Wars fans felt jaded and ended up looking for alternatives to feed their desire for sci-fi.

That's when movies started trying to be Star Wars, and I think it was a good thing because it paved the way for Disney to start making movies that would later prove their competence at taking the reins of Star Wars. It's like when Han gave the Millennium Falcon to Lando in Return of the Jedi.

And she won't. Star Wars fans have been hurt in the past, and we won't be happy with anything less than perfect, unlike Star Trek fans who just accept the fact that every other film is going to be terrible. "The Search For Spock"? Ugh, please. And don't get me started on the updated versions either.

So, I am excited for the new Star Wars movies. I especially can't wait for official pictures of the cast, like Luke in his Jedi robes, or Han I'm his space pirate costume. Or even the newcomers like whoever Daisy Ridley or John Boyega are going to play. This is as close as we can get right now:

As long as George Lucas has nothing to do with this new set of movies, I am fine. Because no one wants to see things like this anymore:

I think about those pictures a lot.

Thank you for reading my blog. I will be reviewing movies shortly, I just have to see them. Like the new Ninja Turtles, Planet of the Apes, and Guardians of the Galaxy. Those will be sometime soon.

Until then, please click an ad, because I can't. Google will kidnap my wife and child and hold them hostage if I do.

Which is why I have Liam Neeson on speed dial.

Goodbye, and thanks again.

Wow. Such Batman. So Blog. Wow.

Wow. From that title, I bet you're thinking, "Batman? Blog? Is this a blog post about the new Batman/Superman movie of 2015?" Well, dear reader, yes AND no. There will be Batman, but no Superdork. And there will be a blog. And there will be blood. 

Just kidding about that las part.

Or am I?

So first off, Batman. Or "Batfleck" as he's being called, because of being played by Ben Afleck, you know, THIS guy:

Y'know, I really want to hate Benfleck for being cast as Batman, but he looks SO cool in the new costume. And standing next to the new bat mobile in all black and white makes him look all the more cool. I realize this is kinda old news, but I feel like it's awesomeness is reason to talk about it further. Take a look:

Guh...that's so awesome looking. And not a trace of anything remotely resembling his "performance" in Gigli, or the crybaby he played in Pearl Harbor. And in Armageddon. And...well everything he's been in. Did he cry in Daredevil? I think so. I never saw Dogma, so I don't know if he cried like a girl in that or not. Well, either way, in this he looks like Batman, and a really good Batman. Pure, gritty, and tough Batman. Batman. Say it with me, BATMAN.

For Batman. 

There's been a ton of Batmen. Adam West, Michael Keeton, Christian Bale, this guy:

I even tried on the cape and cowl at one point:

Don't tell me criminals wouldn't run in terror if I were standing at the end of a dark alley saying, "Swear to ME!" over and over. I would make a phat Batman. "Phat" as in "cool," not the acronym P.H.A.T., meaning "pretty hot and tempting." The more you know...

So in addition to that SWEET Batman costume, the bat mobile is even sweeter. It's got shocks, pegs......luckyyyyy. Seriously, look at this thing. It's got a machine gun on the nose:

I really don't know what Batman would do with a machine gun on the front of his car, but I'm sure it'll be really cool. Much cooler than whatever Supernerd will be driving. 

Haha I mean seriously. I know Supersissy can fly and stuff, but in the area of coolness, he's really just a clown in his pj's who can punch hard. Yeah, it's powerful, but "the swift do not always win the race, nor do the mighty win the battle." Batman is tough and looks cool doing it. 

Ok, ok. All joking aside, the Batman/Superman/Wonder Woman (yeah I'm not talking about Wonder Woman in this one) movie of 2015 will be pretty awesome. But not as awesome as Star Wars VII. Yep, they're making a new Star Wars movie, and with most of the original actors. How did I come by THAT knowledge??

No, I am not a wizard. This is actually old news, I just really wanted to use the pic of that guy. I'm going to use it as much as possible, just watch me. I'll be covering the new Star Wars movie(s) as news unfurls and official pictures start dropping from official sources. And I say MOST of the original actors because the most important actor is not returning for Episode VII. Of course, I'm talking about Billy Dee Williams, better known as the galaxies flyest cat, Lando Calrissian. 

It's a shame, but oh well. 

In other news, I have another way you can see my blog, and it may be a little easier to read for all you fogeys out there. It's over at this link. I'm sure you'll understand. Weebly is a good site for blogging and stuff. Plus, it has an AdSense button too! So make sure you click the crap outta any ads you see on this or that blog. 

That's pretty much all I have for you at the moment. I know I said the next post would be a review of a movie, but the last movie I watche was The Stepford Wives with Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman, an I don't think you'd want my review of that. Unless you do...?

Stay with me, I'm sure I'll review something at some point. As always, thank you for coming. Have a good one. 

Editorial - I'm Sorry If This Bores You

In this editorial (which I guess all my posts are but who's counting?), I will address just some things I've noticed in Hollywood recently. If that seems boring to you then I guess you'll miss out on the CAKE at the end of the post, but whatever. It's your loss, but there IS cake...

So I've noticed that there seems to be a pattern arising from the cesspit known as Hollywood. It's that Disney, in particular, has a very strange effect on current and past "young Hollywood." Let me explain.

Take Robert Downy Jr. for example. He was always know as kind of a bad boy throughout the 90's and played roles that reflected that, to some degree. But as the years went by, he settled down and is now a very famous Disney actor, and a pretty good one at that. 

These guys and their facial hair, seriously. The same thing happened to Johnny Depp as well, but he still takes crazy roles because he thinks he may be typecast as ONE thing, which, whatever, man. I guess when you make over a billion dollars for each movie you do you can choose to be paranoid by whatever you want. He had a bad boy image as well and did crazy things, but as he got older her joined the Disney train and became tame...ish. 

Here's a picture to keep you from clicking away due to losing interest:

There, isn't that a nice picture? *Pushes cake picture closer to you* You want this...don't you? Well not till the end, so keep reading.

On the other hand, you have current celebrities who have it the completely opposite way. Take, for example, the perpetual train wreck that is Miley Cyrus. She started off as Disney's crowning achievement pop princess and has since spiraled into something just short of a flopping fish on a sandy beach with half it's eye hanging out. And for some reason people like watching that. 

Whaaaaaat is that? 

My point is, when did Disney start taking old rocks and shining them up, but letting the prized moneymakers THEY created fall by the wayside and go nuts? Doesn't that seem a little strange? I don't really care that they do it, it just seems unfair to the next generation of kids I guess. 

By the time my daughter is old enough to have what Hollywood has to offer shoved in her face, the current "young Hollywood" of this world will be old and still acting like children, thinking that it's what people want to see. It's already happened actually. 

Like those two jokers. I never saw this movie, but I don't want to. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson? Ugh, these guys used to be funny but are now the equivalent of my dad telling dad jokes. No one laughs, because oh, my lord shut UP dad.

I think you get me. As history repeats itself, we can all enjoy some nice, moist, delicious cake, am I right? 🎂🍰 Mmm cake emojis. I said there'd be cake. 

Click the ad at the bottom of the page, it'll give me money! Maybe. Idk really. Google just said, "Here put this on your blog but don't click it yourself because we are Google and we are LAW." Then they duck taped me to a wall and forced me to watch every episode of Hogans Heroes - in FRENCH. Still don't know oui. 

Goodbye. My next review will be of a movie. Maybe Guardians of the Galaxy, or maybe some other as-yet-unnamed movie or Doctor Who episode. Idk. Let me know what YOU want in the comment section. And as always, thank you for reading. 

Doing Whatever A Spider Can

How many of you saw the new Spiderman movie? Let's see...that's one....two....so about five of you. Ok. Well I guess you five will get these jokes. The rest of you, *SPOILER ALERT* I may spoil the movie.

So remember when the first round of comic book movies came out a few years ago, beginning with Iron Man, and they were awesome? Like, SO good it felt like...I don't know...GOD had directed them? And the same with the subsequent movies like Thor and The Avengers, and more recently Guardians of the Galaxy probably (I haven't seen that one yet).

Well every time a new Spiderman movie is announced, I for one think, "Maybe this one will get it right." And then I see, "Columbia Pictures and Sony present: Spiderman - The Emo Within," or something super retarded like that. 

Seriously, Disney needs to reclaim Spiderman from Columbia Pictures and Sony, because they are missing the mark. It's so incredibly bad that it's actually PASSED bad and moved to just meh. And that breaks my Spider Heart. 

The versions with Toby McGuire (of all people they picked a guy named TOBY) are obviously crap, but the Andrew Garfield ones have been just...kinda there. The newest addition to the franchise is no less a bowl of bran flakes.

So Spiderman faces a new enemy in this one, Electro. He has to be smarter, all while battling the greatest of challenges: relationships. But this was confusing because Electro like worships Spiderman. In fact, all the posters were kinda misleading because it makes Spidey and Electro look like they were gonna kiss rather than fight:

Electro does his best Emperor Palpatine impression too:

Harry Osbourne becomes the Hobgoblin and looks like he's trying to imitate this picture of Andrew Garfield with no teeth:

 And Spiderman takes some risks with his costume choice:

I'm just kidding, that's just Andrew Garfield being strange. 

 

There's battles and blah blah blah blah. The point is, you've heard it before. Spiderman swings, poses for the camera, and fights the baddies. There's ONE shock at the end, which is totally telegraphed, but it's like a 40 year old plot point from the comics, so it's not a spoiler to say that Gwen dies. 

This movie has too much in it, but oddly enough, there could've been more. Like, they could've recreated the train scene from Spiderman 2. It could've looked something like this:

Disney is winning with all the other movies, but I think they're missing SUCH an opportunity with the Spiderman ones. And I know I'm not the only one who wants that same "YAAAAAAS!" moment we had from the Iron Man movies and Avengers. I mean, look at all the disappointed people in this picture:

The kid to the right of Andrew Garfield is thinking, "What did I just watch?" Me too little guy, me too. 

Unfortunately, Disney has no plans to take full control of the Spiderman franchise anytime soon. There IS another one in the works, and I'm pretty sure a Sinister Six movie as well, then they're planning on rebooting the series again with the Myles Morales Spiderman from the new comics. 

So it's bad news for Spider Fans, but all is not lost. At least we can take a small amount of comfort in knowing the Toby McGuire Spiderman movies will never again be added to. 

For those of you receiving the email version of the blog I am terribly sorry. We tried everything but the little guy just had a bad heart. He went peacefully, and his last words were, "Visit the website and click the AdSense button at the bottom of the page, regardless of wether or not it interests you..." Then he expired and we had a moment of silence. Poor guy. 

Please leave a comment, suggestion for a new post, or just come and start clicking buttons and see what happens. It can't hurt. As always, thank you. Until next time. 

Garfield! You weirdo! Go away!