How many of you saw the new Spiderman movie? Let's see...that's one....two....so about five of you. Ok. Well I guess you five will get these jokes. The rest of you, *SPOILER ALERT* I may spoil the movie.
So remember when the first round of comic book movies came out a few years ago, beginning with Iron Man, and they were awesome? Like, SO good it felt like...I don't know...GOD had directed them? And the same with the subsequent movies like Thor and The Avengers, and more recently Guardians of the Galaxy probably (I haven't seen that one yet).
Well every time a new Spiderman movie is announced, I for one think, "Maybe this one will get it right." And then I see, "Columbia Pictures and Sony present: Spiderman - The Emo Within," or something super retarded like that.
Seriously, Disney needs to reclaim Spiderman from Columbia Pictures and Sony, because they are missing the mark. It's so incredibly bad that it's actually PASSED bad and moved to just meh. And that breaks my Spider Heart.
The versions with Toby McGuire (of all people they picked a guy named TOBY) are obviously crap, but the Andrew Garfield ones have been just...kinda there. The newest addition to the franchise is no less a bowl of bran flakes.
So Spiderman faces a new enemy in this one, Electro. He has to be smarter, all while battling the greatest of challenges: relationships. But this was confusing because Electro like worships Spiderman. In fact, all the posters were kinda misleading because it makes Spidey and Electro look like they were gonna kiss rather than fight:
Electro does his best Emperor Palpatine impression too:
Harry Osbourne becomes the Hobgoblin and looks like he's trying to imitate this picture of Andrew Garfield with no teeth:
And Spiderman takes some risks with his costume choice:
I'm just kidding, that's just Andrew Garfield being strange.
There's battles and blah blah blah blah. The point is, you've heard it before. Spiderman swings, poses for the camera, and fights the baddies. There's ONE shock at the end, which is totally telegraphed, but it's like a 40 year old plot point from the comics, so it's not a spoiler to say that Gwen dies.
This movie has too much in it, but oddly enough, there could've been more. Like, they could've recreated the train scene from Spiderman 2. It could've looked something like this:
Disney is winning with all the other movies, but I think they're missing SUCH an opportunity with the Spiderman ones. And I know I'm not the only one who wants that same "YAAAAAAS!" moment we had from the Iron Man movies and Avengers. I mean, look at all the disappointed people in this picture:
The kid to the right of Andrew Garfield is thinking, "What did I just watch?" Me too little guy, me too.
Unfortunately, Disney has no plans to take full control of the Spiderman franchise anytime soon. There IS another one in the works, and I'm pretty sure a Sinister Six movie as well, then they're planning on rebooting the series again with the Myles Morales Spiderman from the new comics.
So it's bad news for Spider Fans, but all is not lost. At least we can take a small amount of comfort in knowing the Toby McGuire Spiderman movies will never again be added to.
For those of you receiving the email version of the blog I am terribly sorry. We tried everything but the little guy just had a bad heart. He went peacefully, and his last words were, "Visit the website and click the AdSense button at the bottom of the page, regardless of wether or not it interests you..." Then he expired and we had a moment of silence. Poor guy.
Please leave a comment, suggestion for a new post, or just come and start clicking buttons and see what happens. It can't hurt. As always, thank you. Until next time.
Garfield! You weirdo! Go away!
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