Doing Whatever A Spider Can

How many of you saw the new Spiderman movie? Let's see...that's one....two....so about five of you. Ok. Well I guess you five will get these jokes. The rest of you, *SPOILER ALERT* I may spoil the movie.

So remember when the first round of comic book movies came out a few years ago, beginning with Iron Man, and they were awesome? Like, SO good it felt like...I don't know...GOD had directed them? And the same with the subsequent movies like Thor and The Avengers, and more recently Guardians of the Galaxy probably (I haven't seen that one yet).

Well every time a new Spiderman movie is announced, I for one think, "Maybe this one will get it right." And then I see, "Columbia Pictures and Sony present: Spiderman - The Emo Within," or something super retarded like that. 

Seriously, Disney needs to reclaim Spiderman from Columbia Pictures and Sony, because they are missing the mark. It's so incredibly bad that it's actually PASSED bad and moved to just meh. And that breaks my Spider Heart. 

The versions with Toby McGuire (of all people they picked a guy named TOBY) are obviously crap, but the Andrew Garfield ones have been just...kinda there. The newest addition to the franchise is no less a bowl of bran flakes.

So Spiderman faces a new enemy in this one, Electro. He has to be smarter, all while battling the greatest of challenges: relationships. But this was confusing because Electro like worships Spiderman. In fact, all the posters were kinda misleading because it makes Spidey and Electro look like they were gonna kiss rather than fight:

Electro does his best Emperor Palpatine impression too:

Harry Osbourne becomes the Hobgoblin and looks like he's trying to imitate this picture of Andrew Garfield with no teeth:

 And Spiderman takes some risks with his costume choice:

I'm just kidding, that's just Andrew Garfield being strange. 

 

There's battles and blah blah blah blah. The point is, you've heard it before. Spiderman swings, poses for the camera, and fights the baddies. There's ONE shock at the end, which is totally telegraphed, but it's like a 40 year old plot point from the comics, so it's not a spoiler to say that Gwen dies. 

This movie has too much in it, but oddly enough, there could've been more. Like, they could've recreated the train scene from Spiderman 2. It could've looked something like this:

Disney is winning with all the other movies, but I think they're missing SUCH an opportunity with the Spiderman ones. And I know I'm not the only one who wants that same "YAAAAAAS!" moment we had from the Iron Man movies and Avengers. I mean, look at all the disappointed people in this picture:

The kid to the right of Andrew Garfield is thinking, "What did I just watch?" Me too little guy, me too. 

Unfortunately, Disney has no plans to take full control of the Spiderman franchise anytime soon. There IS another one in the works, and I'm pretty sure a Sinister Six movie as well, then they're planning on rebooting the series again with the Myles Morales Spiderman from the new comics. 

So it's bad news for Spider Fans, but all is not lost. At least we can take a small amount of comfort in knowing the Toby McGuire Spiderman movies will never again be added to. 

For those of you receiving the email version of the blog I am terribly sorry. We tried everything but the little guy just had a bad heart. He went peacefully, and his last words were, "Visit the website and click the AdSense button at the bottom of the page, regardless of wether or not it interests you..." Then he expired and we had a moment of silence. Poor guy. 

Please leave a comment, suggestion for a new post, or just come and start clicking buttons and see what happens. It can't hurt. As always, thank you. Until next time. 

Garfield! You weirdo! Go away!

Is This Thing On?

I've set up a few things to call more attention to my blog. It's silly, I know, but please indulge me. 

Enjoy this picture. May it distract you from the frivolous nature of this post. 

Oh, Anakin. Cry as much as you want. You'll still be played by a bad actor. You big, asthmatic baby. 

As always, click my AdSense button, and if you're receiving the email version of the post, please visit the actual web version to help me out please. 

That is all. You may leave. 

Use The Force And Prosper

Everyone wants to be a Jedi. Everyone. Shut up, yes you do. Even Star Trek nerds can't deny the fact that the Jedi are way cooler than anything in the Trekker universe. And a lightsaber is a better weapon than phasers or...whatever those things the Klingons use. 

Point is, if you can be a Jedi, always be a Jedi. And now you can be, thanks to the Oculus Rift! If you don't know what that is, then you probably DON'T wanna be a Jedi. You're probably sitting there in "Spirk" pj's drinking Earl Grey tea with thirty tabs open  to Gorn fan fictions. 

"Spirk" is the combined names of Spock and Kirk. Just FYI.  Cause it's funny. Or gross, more like. Moving on.

So the Oculus Rift has a new...game...or simulation, I guess. It's a Jedi training simulator where you use lightsaber(s) to deflect laser bolts from a remote, like Luke in  A New Hope. It's pretty cool, because Jedi. Just, because Jedi. This is what I'm talking about:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b1ycwQIG7c

This guy would die SO HARD if he were an actual Jedi. Like this guy:

So except for his total ineptitude at lightsaber-ing, this is pretty sweet. I wonder what else they'll add to it? Maybe some hand motions to make it like you're using the force? 

Or maybe a virtual train set to build in your parents back yard? You can tell everyone in the game that they moved in WITH you so you could help them out "due to their old age," but it won't explain why your 36 year old brother "moved in" with them. 

I'm a huge nerd for this sort of thing though. I'd probably dress up beforehand and try to get in character. You know, like a real Jedi:

Yes, the force is strong with this one. And the cholesterol. Master Bacon. 

I'm not sure why the email notification sends the entire blog and not just a link, but I am working on it. Please share this blog with everyone you know. Even if you don't like them. Maybe it'll help mend a fence or five. 

You should leave a comment. It would help. And click my AdSense button, because I can't. If I do, the google overlords will execute me in unspeakable ways. 

Thanks for reading, until next time. 

Godzilla And The People

I figured I'd start off by talking about the new Godzilla movie, for starters. Cause it's newish and kinda popular and I need an easy thing to ease me back into writing about things. Blogging. Wrogging? Blighting? Shut up Lee. 

Ok so Godzilla. Woah, another one. No Matthew Broderick this time, just good old people from other movies. That's right. People. Why do I call them "people," when they have names and clearly are famous for other movies and shows they've been in? Because in a Godzilla movie they are just people. And that's what's wrong with it. 

See, when Japan or Toho Studios or whoever owns Godzilla decides to make another one, they SHOULD bank on the fact that people want to see...well...Godzilla for Odin's sake. Duh. But American versions (and maybe the Japanese ones too, idk) tend to use the big toad as a selling point, rather than the point of the movie. What do I mean by this? Well the movie ends up being more about the people in the movie, and less about Scaly McStepsOnPeople. I mean, just look at that poster. It has more people than Godzillas. There should be like 5 Godzillas for every human on there. But, I digress. And digest. I want bacon. 

I wanna see Godzilla fight a giant hamster, or a giant dragonfly-cat or something. Not the emotional tale of a father, husband, and most importantly a soldier, making his way back to his family after the annoying attack of an ancient monster keeps him from that goal, so he feels a duty to 'Murrica to kill it in the name of Uncle Sam and Jesus and the Flag. Way to go making a Japanese monster movie into a patriotic action flick. Warn Michael Bay his explosions aren't red white and blue enough. Whatever that means. 

I wanted a giant monster movie. A kaiju film. What I got was a movie about humans trying to stay out of the way of falling debris - emotionally (uhhhgghhhhh). That's not to say I didn't like the movie. It actually wasn't bad. It just wasn't about what a Godzilla movie should only ever be about - GODZILLA.

Just not THIS Godzilla:

Cool boots Godzilla. What even is this?

Do you agree with me? Did I spoil anything? Do you wish Parks and Rec would get an indefinite number of seasons? Let me know in the comments section, and click my AdSense button, because I am forbidden to...

Also if you have anything you'd like me to blog about let me know by emailing me or something. I don't care. I'll have something to write about. When I see a movie or a show or something I think I'd like to share, I'll post it. If you don't like that then...well...don't come back. And I won't miss you like a dead, loyal pet who had to be put down for biting little Billy by the playground. It wasn't Baxters fault poppa! Billy threw a rock at him! Poppa! Don't shoot him!!! BAXTER!

I never had a dog named Baxter. 

Good bye for now. And until next time. 

Whoa, Chillax Man...

Hey there. It's been a thousand years. All the Harry Potter nonsense is over. All the Twilight infestations have been wiped out. And all the silly, rediculous zombie apocalypse people have been offed. What a time to be alive. That having been said, a lot has happened in the past millenium. Disney bought Star Wars, comic book movies have become popular, and Jersey Shore has finally sunk into the pits of hell where it belongs. May it rest in eternal damnation. Amen. But personally, my wife an I have a child now, and good lord please let me get some sleep. "It's great," I tell people, but really I'm lying. Haha oh, sarcasm. (Please help me) Hopefully I can become more regular on this site. It'd be wonderful. But hey if not check out my other infrequent blog over at theredhandcomic.blogspot.com. It's really great. Everything's great. Grrrrrr-8! Ok my daughter is crying so I hafta go so peace out dudes. Here a picture to make you feel not so jaded that you wasted your time reading this: