Uh, Wow

Yeah, um, I'm just gonna throw this out there: Spiderman is gonna rock.


This is a costume win (see previous rant about Captain America). Clearly this movie will be awesome because...well...it just WILL be, ok?!
Honestly, everything about The Amazing Spiderman (official title) just makes my spider sense tingle...and itch, but thats a different story (tequila is a heck of a drink).
So yeah, this season of superhero movies is gonna be entertaining. Hopefully it won't be a repeat of back in the early 2000's when a sudden influx of superhero movies hit the scene and everyone was like "Aw snap son! X-Men gonna be taught!" But then it came out and everyone was like "Um, what happened? Hey, whats THAT?! Aw zef yo! Fantastic Four gonna rock the hizzy!" but then it came out and (despite having the amazing Jessica Alba as pure eye-candy) everyone was still like "Pfft, I'm sick of supers. Lets go see The Notebook." And thats the story of how my brother lost his Man Card. He'll tell you it happened a different way, but HE DOESN'T HAVE A BLOG...........well, actually he does. Crap. But I still have it and I wont give it back!!!
So Spidey is gonna be amazing (see what I did there? :D) and I couldn't be happier. Spiderman is my personal favorite superhero btw.
What'd suck is if both Green Lantern and Captain America were awesome beyond compare and X-Men First Class and Amazing Spiderman failed hard. I'd just give up on life. Or just be a man and say "hey I like seeing stuff blow up," and realize its just a movie. That makes me sound like the "Devils Nerdy Advocate." Haha.
Whatev.
Look for giant cobwebs to appear in New York sometime around spring of 2012. I for one cannot wait.

-Lee

X-Men: First Class...Better Than Captain America? What Isn't?

So X-Men: First Class has an official trailer. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofXqQ-nEcPc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Pretty tight, huh? Much better than Crap-tain 'Murrca. Even though I like the idea of a superhero without super powers (e.g. Batman) such as El Captain, I still like to have my eyes pleasured by seeing someone act like Chris Brown and toss an SR-71 Blackbird around like its Rihanna...I hope you get that joke.

Plus it'd be cool to have Magneto's ability, am I right? I'd be so lazy. I'd sit in a metal chair with wheels and never get up. I'd still work like normal, but I would also do the superhero thing as well. For extra cash I'd make metal sculptures using only the fillings from the peoples teeth I'd save. I'd be so hated....but also so loved. Aaaaaaannd that joke is dead. Moving on.

Anyway, I think this is a trailer done RIGHT, seeing as how the past few have been poopy. Yeah thats right; I said poopy.

Even though X-Men movies have a shaky history among fans, I really think the mistakes of those past films have been accounted for and overcome with this new one. I mean, for Pete's sake, they put Emma Frost in this one - and Kevin Bacon! I know, right?! It's like they read my mind when they cast this...

.................?

Wait a second............Kevin Bacon? What the...?

Wait, wait, wait; its ok people. I think I know whats going on here. Kevin Bacon realized he hasn't been in a movie since Hollow Man (terrible, btw), so to keep his street cred intact AND to keep all the people who play "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon" happy, which is like everybody, he decided to be in a more current movie. Way to go KB!

Seriously though, and being %100 honest - KB hasn't been in a good movie since.............Tremors. That's just my opinion, but this is MY blog, so I'm allowed my poinion. But that having been said, I'm not entirely sure how much he can bring to this movie, being that he's...well, he's Kevin Bacon. Does it make sense to you?

Even so, I have high hopes for this one, but if I'm going to be fair and platonic with my pre-viewing judgments, I need to say that this movie may LOOK pretty and have a solid story, but we still have yet to see any serious acting from it yet. Thats what will make or break X-Men: First Class, in my opinion (MY blog).

That is all for now. In the words of the great Stan Lee, "Excelsior..............wait...where am I...?"

-Lee

Captain Wuss

Ah......you know what always feels good? Being RIGHT. Just excuse me for a sec while I bask in my prediction come true.........

Ok, so as most now know, and for those who have small, underdeveloped brains and do NOT know, Captain America is going to blow. Hard. If you did not see the trailer for it during the superbowl then I implore you to do so before reading further. I'll wait.....

You back so soon? So, are you feeling okay? If not, don't worry; what you are experiencing is just a sensory overload of craptasticity (pretty sure I made up that word just now...) which normally would render the average viewer unconcious for at least a few minutes, but you have managed to stave off a blackout, which is remarkable seeing as how 30 seconds of your life have been sucked out of your eyes.

That was kind of dramatic, I apologize.

But I WILL NOT apologize for this: Captain America looks like total crap! The trailer only confirmed this further. Let's take the blue pill and hope we make it out of this dream ok:

So, the teaser helps us see that Captain America was a 10 year old boy scout who signs up for the Super Soldier program, gets put into a dutch oven/hotbox type coffin.....thing, and emerges as a large slab of beefcake supreme with a twist - he's still a vagina.
Y'know, thats some interesting technology the 40's had to offer the world. Amazing they couldn't use that tech to just, oh I don't know, STOP THE HOLOCOST FROM HAPPENING! Seriously, while thousands of Jews are burning and suffering in concentration camps, the American brass is spending taxpayers dollars trying to transform a scrawny white kid into a hunked out toe-head who prances around forests in a bright costume carrying an EXtremely subtle shield (**coff coff** sarcasm **coff coff**), which is I'm guessing a metaphore for how completely sassafrassed this guy is. Honestly, what kind of superhero hides behind a shield? And why wouldn't any bad guy shoot him in the legs or top of the head or something?

Wow this is easy to rip apart.

Anyway, the only redeeming quality about this movie is the fact that Hugo Weaving (Lord Elrond of Rivendell, and Mr. Smith of the Matrix) is playing Red Skull. But having him (a great actor) play in such a crappy movie is like.....well, that would be like giving a brand new car to a retarded person who will never be capable of even having a license ever - a complete waste of time. Meaning, its a waste of talent, essentially. But that has never happened to my recollection...recently...within a few years...........What I'm saying is that that redeeming quality is basically cancelled out.

Nothing about this movie looks interesting. Period. Oh, but Jesus I can't wait to see it, just so I can be entertained by the craptasticity (its gonna catch on!) of it. But I will not PAY to have my brain stirred by a stupid spoon.

But no matter what I say the idiots of the world will flock to partake in the mass disappointment that will come moments after leaving the theater. Essentially thats what it boils down to. Paramount and Marvel spent millions to make a 2 hour crapfest, and the zombies of America will eat it up like a freshly cracked open brain.

Ah, well, its nice to be right. But if just the trailer for this movie gets me THIS huffy about it, imagine what the final product will do to all the like-minded ones out there. Well, nobody can say we didn't warn them.

Catch Captain America (for free when you download it from any pirated movie website) this summer.

Consider yourself informed.

-Lee

Oh BOY!

I really hope everyone in the world watches the superbowl today. Mainly cause the Captain America trailer will be shown during the 2nd half.
Oh, man, I cant wait.
I feel like....this:



Facepalm. That pretty much sums it up.
Enjoy the game. Steelers 17-9.

-Lee

Oh Boy, The Horrible Begins

Ok, so I was surfing the interwebs, trying to avoid the words "Twilight" and "Justin Bieber" (harder than first anticipated, btw), when I stumbled across a new pic from the upcoming Captain America movie. Behold:




At first glance this may appear to be pretty cool, but I assure you it is not. Let me enlighten you as we break this down piece by piece, shall we?

To begin, Captain America is a superhero, obviously. He is a symbol of justice and freedom and should be easily recognizable as such. But even in the 40's the Army was still concerned with camoflouge. This is where Cap has some issues. I'll get to his colors in a sec, but I wanna point out a pretty big flaw in his costume. If I were a Nazi sniper who was tasked with taking out Captain Caveman, the very symbol of everything I hated, I would want to aim right for his big, dumb head and bury a bullet right between his eyes. Well guess what? The Americans gave Cap a big, white, capitol "A" bullseye right in the middle of his blue forehead. How convenient! Seriously, a shot like that would be easier than shooting a SeaWorld dolphin with an RPG from the front row; and score an extra 500 XP for taking out a trainer or two. Mix in some tuna and mayo and we can all have sandwiches for lunch. Yum. Now im hungry. **goes and makes a tuna samwich**

Where was I? Oh yes: Cap's a dork. Honestly, who wears red, white, and blue in a combat setting? I understand he isn't called "Captain Camo" or "Captain RealTree," but come ON, its the NAZIS we're talking about! They kinda weren't known for thier habits of NOT shooting regular people, let alone some bozo wearing clown shoes.

And the star on his chest bothers me too. I know its supposed to harken back to the original costume, but come ON! Gah, this is more of a pet peeve, so I digress.

But, why does his "helmet" go all the way down to his eyes? Is it to mask who he is? I mean, its silly enough that its bright blue; it really just enhances the dorkiness even more. I mean, would YOU follow that guy into combat? Or would you let him do his own thing far away from you? Yeah, me too. The "A" must stand for "A-- hat" as well as "America."

To be completely honest, this whole get up looks too modern to be from the 40's. I'm not sure if this is a later costume in the film or the ONLY one, but it looks a tad too "hey lets add some straps for no reason" to me. Even if it is a costume for modern times, its still too "disco fever" to pass as a government issue super suit (Frozone: "Where is my SUPA' SUIT?!")

The actor playing Cap doesn't look like he's even INTO the role at all really. In the above picture he has a kindof "I really hope the camera is getting my profile from a great angle; I really want this cosmetically enhanced chin to get an Academy Award this time around" look on his face. Ok, ok, Lucas Lee (Scott Pilgrim joke, ha!), we get it: you play douches in all your movies. Take five, and we'll resume your career in about ten years after Captain America/The Avengers ruins it. **sigh** Moving on.

As I said in the Green Lantern review, this is all subject to change. The movie may come out and be awesome, but I'm just going by what Marvel is giving me right now. If the trailer looks even remotely cool I'll change my opinion to an "undecided" instead of "pass go, do not collect $100." Marvel is hit and miss anyway, I mean, who ACTually liked the Edward Norton version of Hulk? Wait, back up, let me clarify: Ed Norton as Bruce Banner? Absolutely. If it was a Bruce Banner movie alone with hardly or no Hulk at all I'd have been happy. But strangely enough that movie had too much Hulk, and at the same time almost not enough. Anyway, before I start reviewing Hulk, I'll switch back to Captain Crunch.

Bruce Banner was a mild mannered scientist when a freak accident in the lab changed him into...........crap! Sorry.

I know he was the first Avenger (I say "was" cause Cap's dead in the comics...spoiler alert...), and that Marvel is planning an Avengers movie soon, but Captain Ameridouche is just a character that is better left on the pages of the comics in my opinion. To make a movie about him is to pillage something already in its purest form, exploiting its usefulness, and perverting a source of strength that a nation can draw upon in times of despair, when it feels like its reserves are low.

Or so some nerds may feel.

Gear up to have your minds erased by stupidness and not care as it happens this summer when "Captain America: The First Avenger" hits theaters.