Captain Wuss

Ah......you know what always feels good? Being RIGHT. Just excuse me for a sec while I bask in my prediction come true.........

Ok, so as most now know, and for those who have small, underdeveloped brains and do NOT know, Captain America is going to blow. Hard. If you did not see the trailer for it during the superbowl then I implore you to do so before reading further. I'll wait.....

You back so soon? So, are you feeling okay? If not, don't worry; what you are experiencing is just a sensory overload of craptasticity (pretty sure I made up that word just now...) which normally would render the average viewer unconcious for at least a few minutes, but you have managed to stave off a blackout, which is remarkable seeing as how 30 seconds of your life have been sucked out of your eyes.

That was kind of dramatic, I apologize.

But I WILL NOT apologize for this: Captain America looks like total crap! The trailer only confirmed this further. Let's take the blue pill and hope we make it out of this dream ok:

So, the teaser helps us see that Captain America was a 10 year old boy scout who signs up for the Super Soldier program, gets put into a dutch oven/hotbox type coffin.....thing, and emerges as a large slab of beefcake supreme with a twist - he's still a vagina.
Y'know, thats some interesting technology the 40's had to offer the world. Amazing they couldn't use that tech to just, oh I don't know, STOP THE HOLOCOST FROM HAPPENING! Seriously, while thousands of Jews are burning and suffering in concentration camps, the American brass is spending taxpayers dollars trying to transform a scrawny white kid into a hunked out toe-head who prances around forests in a bright costume carrying an EXtremely subtle shield (**coff coff** sarcasm **coff coff**), which is I'm guessing a metaphore for how completely sassafrassed this guy is. Honestly, what kind of superhero hides behind a shield? And why wouldn't any bad guy shoot him in the legs or top of the head or something?

Wow this is easy to rip apart.

Anyway, the only redeeming quality about this movie is the fact that Hugo Weaving (Lord Elrond of Rivendell, and Mr. Smith of the Matrix) is playing Red Skull. But having him (a great actor) play in such a crappy movie is like.....well, that would be like giving a brand new car to a retarded person who will never be capable of even having a license ever - a complete waste of time. Meaning, its a waste of talent, essentially. But that has never happened to my recollection...recently...within a few years...........What I'm saying is that that redeeming quality is basically cancelled out.

Nothing about this movie looks interesting. Period. Oh, but Jesus I can't wait to see it, just so I can be entertained by the craptasticity (its gonna catch on!) of it. But I will not PAY to have my brain stirred by a stupid spoon.

But no matter what I say the idiots of the world will flock to partake in the mass disappointment that will come moments after leaving the theater. Essentially thats what it boils down to. Paramount and Marvel spent millions to make a 2 hour crapfest, and the zombies of America will eat it up like a freshly cracked open brain.

Ah, well, its nice to be right. But if just the trailer for this movie gets me THIS huffy about it, imagine what the final product will do to all the like-minded ones out there. Well, nobody can say we didn't warn them.

Catch Captain America (for free when you download it from any pirated movie website) this summer.

Consider yourself informed.

-Lee